An old friend of mine recently took his own life.
I hadn’t seen him in years. The only communication
between us for a good while had been on Facebook, but I certainly feel a sense
of loss. If you’re over 30, you may be keenly aware that the passing of years
and the roads which we travel in life may separate us physically, but the
connections which bind us together remain for the rest of our lives.
Then I hear the news of his passing, and that it
was by his own hand.
How does one respond to something like that? I
fancy myself a bit of a wordsmith, but several days have passed since I first
heard the news, and I have not yet been able to craft words which would
properly honor the memory of my friend. I, like so many others, simply don’t
know what to say.
“It was
unexpected.”
“I’m
shocked.”
“He was such
a great guy.”
“He seemed
fine.”
And the ubiquitous…
“Why?”
Death always presents us (the living) with
challenges and questions, but suicide is an especially difficult case. What can
drive a person to believe that the only remaining course of action is to
intentionally exit this life?
Sudden
tragedy?
In some cases, we see that a person’s choice to
commit suicide was spurred on by some significantly traumatic life event. The death
of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the collapse of a career, or even
being caught in a compromising situation like adultery or being brought up on
criminal charges… In these cases, we can at least see something which explains
the pain and turmoil which the person was feeling.
My friend, by all accounts, had experienced no
such trauma.
Depression?
Mental illness is still a bit of a taboo subject,
in spite of the advances made in clinical diagnoses and treatments in recent
decades. There remains an unfortunate lack of understanding and empathy toward
those who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and so on. The
truth is, if you haven’t experienced it for yourself, you can’t understand it – at least not fully.
When my wife first exhibited symptoms of
depression some 20-ish years ago, I must sadly admit that didn’t “get it.” I
tried to empathize, but if I’m honest, I fell far short. It was very difficult,
and I was extremely frustrated by it. Then about five years later, I began
having issues of my own. I quickly found myself looking back and realizing how
little I really understood what she had been dealing with. In a strange way, I’m
actually grateful for my own anxiety disorder, because it paved the way for a
far deeper understanding of my wife’s condition.
Anxiety and depression of the clinical varieties
are far different beasts than normal, day-to-day worries. You can become
paralyzed, unable to take even the simplest of actions to pull yourself out of
the mire. Worse yet, you “know” that you should be quite capable of dealing
with the things which are troubling you. You may even be aware of potential solutions
or strategies which will help, but the overwhelming senses of hopelessness and
helplessness bar you from taking any action whatsoever. The frustration which
you inevitably feel with yourself compounds the issues, and it’s all too easy
to slip into some very dark places.
I’ve been in those dark places. They may creep up
on you slowly, or they may ambush you without warning. There are times when
everything seems pointless. Activities you once enjoyed no longer motivate you –
in fact, they fill you with a sense of dread. People, even those whom you love
the most, are exhausting. Everything which once brought joy into your life now
seems like a sad, cruel joke. You just want to crawl under a rock and…
…yeah.
I believe this must have been the case for my
friend. It’s almost cliché to say that on the surface, everything seemed
normal. He seemed fine. He was at the
height of his career. He was in a positive relationship. He was respected by
his colleagues. He was loved.
And yet…
What can be said that hasn’t already been said
countless times before? Every word seems insufficient, but still I feel obligated
to say… something.
“You will be
missed.”
“I wish I
could have been there for you.”
“You will
never be forgotten.”
“Prayers for
the family.”
My words feel hollow because they cannot fill the
void left behind. In the end, all I can do – all any of us can do – is keep
going. Keep living. Keep on keeping on.
Please, if you find yourself struggling, don’t be
afraid to ask for help. The pain you feel - and believe me, I understand it –
doesn’t have to define you. There is a way back. Talk to someone. A friend, a
family member, a coworker, a therapist, or even a total stranger if it comes to
that. You are important, and we want to help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
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